I spent – ch12

I spent the night trying to find the Sandman.

I spent the night wrestling with my sheets and pillows.

The next day I spent trying to occupy my mind with something other than her.

I spent my time pushing thoughts and scenes from my mind of events that had not happened.

I tried moment by moment to squelch the flight action my brain and hormones was sending because I had nowhere else to go. Fortunately I had eight hours of work to distract my mind. I had interaction with a few people who diverted my attention to other subjects. But those conversations and the work were not enough or successful in calming my fearful heart.

I was afraid to hope because I know life operates on what I have termed “the hopeless principle”. In my life up to this point, things I was desperately hopeful of – had not occurred.

The date with Suzie Robinson for the junior homecoming dance – nope.

The date with Jill Anderson for the prom – nope.

Making the baseball team in either my freshman or sophomore year in high school – nope.

The date with Mindy Story for my senior prom – nope.

Having Jessica, Jean, Cathy, Carla, Annette, Teresa, and Marcia to go on a date with me anytime during my high school years– nope.

My parents buying me a car on my sixteenth, seventeenth, or eighteenth birthday – nope.

Each of these and more were “things” I had hoped and hoped to happen for me. All with the same depressing result – nope.

It was with this track record I squelched every bit of hope that attempted to bubble up inside of me. After work I had to pick up a few items from the store but I dared not enter Tessa’s store so I drove out-of-the-way to buy what I needed on the other side of town.

I realized as I walked out of the store heading to my car that the sky was blue and the sun was shining and the puffy white clouds that dotted the sky were trying to do their best for me and everyone to enjoy a good day. I looked around for the gray skies because surely it was the calm before a storm. I stood there looking in each direction when I noticed a couple people looked at me and then looked up in the sky to see what I was looking at. I ducked my head and speedily got into my car.

It was evening; I was tired because of my struggle last night and then the spirit zapping battle of the day. I turned on the television, stretched out on the couch, watched the news and quickly located the Sandman.