Month: February 2010

Quarter after three in the afternoon, fifteen more minutes until I can leave work. My early morning activities have led me to this moment – crusty, nauseated, and heavy eyelids. I am not sure if it was the pancakes, the three pots of coffee consumed, my lunch of fried chicken tenders and French fries, or the Starbucks grande mocha frappuccino – but my insides were clearly unhappy with me and were debating just how much they were going to express their displeasure. Against my normal behavior I had decided to go directly to the grocery store and buy a few things thereby hopefully placing me in Tess’ checkout line.

I made it to the store in record time, walked in – scanning for her. I could not find her. Instead of panicking I grabbed a basket and picked up the three items I had determined to get. I did however make sure to pass each aisle and look for her. I traveled to the back aisle and walked it, insuring she was not standing stocking an end cap thus hidden. She wasn’t there (sigh). I went to the checkout area and one line was open, it was the woman I considered the “grandma” of the store; her name was Lois. She was what every kid wanted in a grandma; she was nice, called you sweetie, and had that warm and loving look that broadcasted to everyone near, that she indeed was a nice lady. When I walked up she greeted me by name and I said hi back. She looked a little different and that is when I noticed she had a different smile across her face and that she kept looking up at me as she scanned the items. I smiled back not sure what was what. She told me the total and put my three items in the bag. I gave her the cash and when she gave me the change she passed to me a small little envelope that had my name on it. She was almost giddy “Hon, Tess asked me to give this to you if you came in today.” “Uh, thanks” my heart sank.

I walked out of the store realizing which scenario was occurring – the “not interested note given by an innocent bystander”. No awkward words, looks – just cut and run. I could not open it. I debated what to do – go home or be somewhere out in public so as not to highlight the loneliness. It was beautiful outside so I decided to drive over to the plaza, grab a bottled water and sit outside among the people and pleasant weather and read my rejection note.

It was early in the morning, 2:15 to be exact, I woke up. Not a groggy wake up. Not a run to the bathroom wake up either. It was a wide awake, alert wake up. It was Monday– technically – and I did not need to be at work for another four hours and forty-five minutes. My stomach growled and that is when I realized I had fallen asleep on the couch and had not eaten dinner. I looked at the grilled cheese and Fritos on my plate and pulled myself up. Grabbing the grilled cheese and shoving a quarter of it in my mouth I grabbed the control with my other hand [yes, I had mastered doing two things at once] and flipped over to news.

(Yes I deliberately did not mention what news channel I turned to. I figure if I share with you my preference that you will label me in your mind and then as the tale unravels you will reason it was because “he is a Insert word here”. It is what people do – you know. We have this need to categorize everything because supposedly it helps us understand matters better. Yes ‘supposedly’ – I don’t by that rationalization. I believe categorizing or labeling everything actually closes your mind and perception from fully being aware of everything that is going on with ‘X’ person/subject/etc. If you proceeded to attend “higher education” you are taught that this categorization is a good thing and everyone does it. If you did not pursue “higher education” you know it as stereotyping and it is a bad thing to rely on and/or practice. But I digress…”

Finishing the first half of the sandwich and a few Fritos I exchanged my warm soda for a cold one and grabbed my mini-HP. [A great tool by the way. And no, I am not a paid endorser of HP products; but I am willing to be so just contact me.] I checked my email, heard “we are coming out of the recession” and grabbed the other of the sandwich. Twelve new emails and all of them selected and dragged into the “deleted items” folder. A whopping fifteen minutes passed and my mind then resumed its anxiety cycle of what would Tess do? I decided to stop and reason with myself, hoping to bring peace to my mind and spirit.

My note on the candy box read:

For you Tess

Hoping we can go out for coffee sometime soon.

Let me know…

Okay – reason would tell me she would have to tell me face to face since she does not have my phone number, address, or email address. Well, she could write a note and have someone at the grocery store give it to me next time I was in. If she used that method of delivery it is safe to consider the answer is ‘no’. If she talked me to me directly the answer could be either ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Alright this has not helped ease my mind in the least.  I got up, got showered and dressed and left my place. I drove across town to our local IHOP for coffee and to read the newspaper. I figured in a couple hours I would be hungry again and then I would order breakfast. Have you ever been to a IHOP at 3:30 in the morning? I was surprised to see the place about half full of customers, mostly truckers. When you go in at this hour the people look half dead. The server came by and got my order for coffee and I pulled out the newspaper readying myself for a three-hour stay – at least.

As I looked at the front page my mind raced back trying to remember when the last time I purchased a newspaper to read. College? No, it was further back – back when I was a junior in high school. No wonder newspaper publishers are going out of business. It had been eight years since I purchased a paper and if you multiplied that across the population to figure out how much a decrease in readers/subscribers was – wow! I also became aware of the scent – you know what I am talking about. That welcoming, friendly smell of ink on newsprint paper. I brought the paper closer to my nose and of course that is when the server decided to bring my coffee. She gave me “the look” [nut job] and said she would stop back by to check on me. The feel of the paper in my hands was a familiar but almost forgotten feeling. But I digress…

I spent the night trying to find the Sandman.

I spent the night wrestling with my sheets and pillows.

The next day I spent trying to occupy my mind with something other than her.

I spent my time pushing thoughts and scenes from my mind of events that had not happened.

I tried moment by moment to squelch the flight action my brain and hormones was sending because I had nowhere else to go. Fortunately I had eight hours of work to distract my mind. I had interaction with a few people who diverted my attention to other subjects. But those conversations and the work were not enough or successful in calming my fearful heart.

I was afraid to hope because I know life operates on what I have termed “the hopeless principle”. In my life up to this point, things I was desperately hopeful of – had not occurred.

The date with Suzie Robinson for the junior homecoming dance – nope.

The date with Jill Anderson for the prom – nope.

Making the baseball team in either my freshman or sophomore year in high school – nope.

The date with Mindy Story for my senior prom – nope.

Having Jessica, Jean, Cathy, Carla, Annette, Teresa, and Marcia to go on a date with me anytime during my high school years– nope.

My parents buying me a car on my sixteenth, seventeenth, or eighteenth birthday – nope.

Each of these and more were “things” I had hoped and hoped to happen for me. All with the same depressing result – nope.

It was with this track record I squelched every bit of hope that attempted to bubble up inside of me. After work I had to pick up a few items from the store but I dared not enter Tessa’s store so I drove out-of-the-way to buy what I needed on the other side of town.

I realized as I walked out of the store heading to my car that the sky was blue and the sun was shining and the puffy white clouds that dotted the sky were trying to do their best for me and everyone to enjoy a good day. I looked around for the gray skies because surely it was the calm before a storm. I stood there looking in each direction when I noticed a couple people looked at me and then looked up in the sky to see what I was looking at. I ducked my head and speedily got into my car.

It was evening; I was tired because of my struggle last night and then the spirit zapping battle of the day. I turned on the television, stretched out on the couch, watched the news and quickly located the Sandman.