Month: December 2009

She was doing her job like she always did. She smiled and talked to the customers and I noticed that each customer left her cashier with their products packed into bags and with a smile. Customer after customer, old and young, male or female – always the same result. I reassessed the contents of my cart again and realizing that my pulse had returned to its normal rate I began to proceed to her checkout lane. Only one other person was in line and they were about finished having just swiped their card. I placed my purchase on the belt and removed my wallet from my front pocket.

I walked up to the customer stand and she looked at me with her big brown eyes and said “Hi, did you find everything you were looking for?” And looked at me waiting for my answer. “Hi, yes I did – thanks for asking.” She began scanning my items and I watched her not the register display. She had her pulled back into a pony tail which displayed her long neck and earrings. She looked beautiful unlike any other time I had seen her. Was it her or was it me? A lady with a noisy kid pulled into her checkout lane with a full cart of items and sugar. I was distracted for a moment and when I looked back over to Tessa she was looking at me apparently waiting for my reply. I looked quickly at the register display that showed my total of $19.40 and fumbled in my wallet for a $20. “Sorry,” I said, “just went and visited another world for a moment.” She smiled and said, “Hopefully it was a far nicer place than right here.” I gave her the cash and said “no, it wasn’t”. She looked quickly over at me and our eyeballs connected for a couple seconds then she smiled, gave me my change, and before she could say it to me I said to her “I hope you have a nice day”. She tilted her head to the side very slightly, smiled, and said “Thanks, you too.” I picked up my two bags of items, nodded, and walked out quickly but not in a scared way. I began my conscious breathing – in through the nose out through the mouth – and was outside at the parking lot and then felt all my muscles, ligaments, tendons, veins, – well you get the picture – relax. I stood there a moment then realized I didn’t remember where I parked. Heck, for a brief moment I could not remember what my car looked like.

Once in my car I sat for a moment trying to slow down my thoughts and mind. My mind replayed the transaction over and over. I took a deep breath, held it for about ten seconds and slowly exhaled. “I’m okay” I said aloud to myself and turned the key. As I pulled out of the grocery store parking lot a single thought entered my mind in reply, “no your not”.

At the bookstore, armed with a cup of hairy eyelid peeling cup of “coffee” I began browsing the magazines. I decided to skip current events and economics and was faced with the two-tier section of women’s magazines. Onto the next shelf which was a mix of computer related, gamers, and music magazines. I took another cautious sip of the dark black stomach blistering brew and decided my strategy was a failure when a quick scan of the last shelf of magazines was for collectors, history, sewing, quilting, self-help, and spiritual. Turning around and surveying the store did not prompt me with fodder for a new plan. Any idea what I did? I dumped the horrible black liquid in the nearest garbage can and left the store.

Remember when you were a kid, a teenager? Yeah I bristled at the thought too. As tough as it was we have to admit some things were easier. For example, dating or “going out”. Really it was. Think about it, generally it was accepted as norm that any relationship with someone would ultimately end. Yeah it was grief at times and yes it would hurt but you were not really shocked as you are as an adult that changes for most people once the date progressed to a few dates then it was accepted by both parties – usually – that the relationship is expected to grow, develop, and hopefully lead to the happy ending. That is an awful lot of pressure if you ask me (which I did). Of course commentators, talking heads in media, Hollywood consistently project the 50%+ divorce which is no “big thing”, “take him for everything you can” and remember guys always have commitment issues. But I digress……

Observation is more than seeing, just like listening is more than hearing. I had been picking up my groceries from the same store for five years. For some reason though “that” day was the first time I saw, noticed her. She was not from “here”, she came “here” with her parents seven years ago after graduating from school in the Ukraine. Her name tag was labeled ‘Tessa’ and she spoke fluent English with her Ukrainian accent and her beautiful smile. The store had three checkout lanes and either fate or subconsciously I chose to be in her lane. We spoke, she is always nice, and I apparently oblivious to her – until now. Now – it was if the heavens had opened and bathed her in light with a full symphony accompanying this moment with music. My pulse increased to the rhythm of a Neil Peart solo, I apparently swallowed my tongue because I was aware of two things: a large lump in my throat and the excess saliva filling my mouth. I could not utter a dry sound. My psyche reacted by yelling “composure”, “panic”, “flee” and other conflicting actions so overwhelming I stumbled out of the lane trying to act like I forgot an item [not just my faculties] and fled to a distant aisle to regain my composure. I was a mess and acutely aware of it. I noticed my clothes, my shoes, the contents of my cart, my watch, I noticed everything for what it told someone who would actually see me. But then I cautiously sneaked a peek of Tessa and a smile slowly worked across my face.