Tag: Fiction

I laid in bed, my mind spinning, my eyes closed, and the world going on as it does not concerned in the least with me, my family, or peers. In my mind’s eye I kept seeing Tess which was not helping me go to sleep. My body as a whole was letting me know it needed to recharge if I expected to make it through tomorrow. [My ears/mind rings at night. No, actually it rings all the time but I am more aware of it at night when I lie down in bed for sleep. I think that is part of the reason why I sleep with a fan in the doorway. I am allowing the fans hum to drown out my ears ringing. But I digress…]

My mind decided this was the perfect time to replay each item of interest from the day. If it would do that while I slept at least I would get the sleep but my mind’s timing didn’t care.

“Well idiot how much coffee did you consume today?”

“More than usual.”

“That is an understatement. Let’s see if we can count the cups…”

“No, no, that is not necessary…”

“2 pots worth at IHOP…”

“Shut up! I need to sleep…”

“I am only processing because of the level of caffeine intake today – that is not my fault…”

“Ok, ok, I am sorry…”

“You should be – then you still had to stop for a venti size bold coffee at …”

“For the love of God please stop – I need sleep….”

“9:09 you filled up your mug at the break station…”

“I am not listening anymore, I need to sleep. Goodnight.”

“11:42 mug refill after your lunch…”

“What can I do? Peaceful thoughts, yeah, babbling brook…”

“I gotta go to the bathroom”

“Oh for…”

“Again, not my mind fault, how much did you drink today?”

So I got up, went to the bathroom and bypassed the bedroom and all of its noise and sat in the living room and turned on the television. I looked at the onscreen guide and found a NCIS repeat and turned it on. Now I had some friends in the room to outnumber my mind. (Why does boss always give Abbey a kiss on the cheek? Sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen or at least some probie will come in and now knowing how the team works report it to HR. You and I know you do not want to be involved with HR. But I digress…)

I watched and quietly sneaked off to sleep.

Sitting at a cast iron patio table, I placed my ice water on the napkin and lifted my bag up to lay it on the table as well. In front of me was a small pink envelope with my name neatly written on it.  I picked it up and for the first time noticed that the contents were, well, firm. It didn’t want to bend but it was still very light. I summoned up the courage to open the envelope and while looking around to see if anyone was watching me I placed my fingers on the contents to slip them out.

Sitting at a place like a coffee shop or for the swanky – café – one can enjoy some interesting people watching. I must confess this is something I enjoy. Next to me was what appeared to be a mother and her adult daughter, very little of a generation gap seemed to exist among them. Both wearing jeans and patterned blouse, each with their cell phones sitting on the table in front of them. Both talking – not the typical parent-child dialogue, but [yes I eavesdrop too] about why each of them enjoyed the movie Ironman with Robert Downey Jr.  But I digress…

Looking at the contents I saw a Starbucks card and a post it note. The card was for a complimentary tall brewed coffee and across the post-it note were the words:

Wed 6 p.m.?

-Tess

I gulped, sweated, rubbed my eyes, looked around [for the camera], and nervously looked at the note again. Sigh, it was not an illusion. Okay, thinking, actually trying to think while screaming inside my head “Yeah!”; which of course makes it hard to think. Alright, think, yes – today is Tuesday. Oh my! So we meet tomorrow! I shifted in my seat again looking for the camera and now the TV show host to be approaching me – laughing. Nothing. Okay, okay, how do I say yes to her? Is it okay now to look her on Peoplefinder and show up at her door? Nah, maybe just being here tomorrow is supposed to be how I answer. That makes sense but I have to be sure. Epiphany! I got up quickly, jumped in my car and headed to the grocery store. I was fortunate to not get pulled over because I would have been a nervous babbling goof. I took a sheet of paper from pad in my pocket and wrote:

Yes Tess!

Not having envelopes I ran into the store and purchased a package of the small thank you cards and ran to the register. It was Lois and there was a couple people in front of me. She looked up, saw me, and smiled. I beamed back to her. I made use of the time in line, opening the package taking an envelope from the package, I wrote her name across the front and placed my note in side. Sealed it and was greeted by the words, “That was quick,” she smiled, “forget something?” I processed what she said and simply beamed back to her. She took my cash and I said, “Lois, would you?” Lois interrupted me with “Sure hon, I’ll make sure she gets it tomorrow morning or if she stops in tonight.” “Thanks” plus more beaming and I hurriedly fled the store.

Quarter after three in the afternoon, fifteen more minutes until I can leave work. My early morning activities have led me to this moment – crusty, nauseated, and heavy eyelids. I am not sure if it was the pancakes, the three pots of coffee consumed, my lunch of fried chicken tenders and French fries, or the Starbucks grande mocha frappuccino – but my insides were clearly unhappy with me and were debating just how much they were going to express their displeasure. Against my normal behavior I had decided to go directly to the grocery store and buy a few things thereby hopefully placing me in Tess’ checkout line.

I made it to the store in record time, walked in – scanning for her. I could not find her. Instead of panicking I grabbed a basket and picked up the three items I had determined to get. I did however make sure to pass each aisle and look for her. I traveled to the back aisle and walked it, insuring she was not standing stocking an end cap thus hidden. She wasn’t there (sigh). I went to the checkout area and one line was open, it was the woman I considered the “grandma” of the store; her name was Lois. She was what every kid wanted in a grandma; she was nice, called you sweetie, and had that warm and loving look that broadcasted to everyone near, that she indeed was a nice lady. When I walked up she greeted me by name and I said hi back. She looked a little different and that is when I noticed she had a different smile across her face and that she kept looking up at me as she scanned the items. I smiled back not sure what was what. She told me the total and put my three items in the bag. I gave her the cash and when she gave me the change she passed to me a small little envelope that had my name on it. She was almost giddy “Hon, Tess asked me to give this to you if you came in today.” “Uh, thanks” my heart sank.

I walked out of the store realizing which scenario was occurring – the “not interested note given by an innocent bystander”. No awkward words, looks – just cut and run. I could not open it. I debated what to do – go home or be somewhere out in public so as not to highlight the loneliness. It was beautiful outside so I decided to drive over to the plaza, grab a bottled water and sit outside among the people and pleasant weather and read my rejection note.

It was early in the morning, 2:15 to be exact, I woke up. Not a groggy wake up. Not a run to the bathroom wake up either. It was a wide awake, alert wake up. It was Monday– technically – and I did not need to be at work for another four hours and forty-five minutes. My stomach growled and that is when I realized I had fallen asleep on the couch and had not eaten dinner. I looked at the grilled cheese and Fritos on my plate and pulled myself up. Grabbing the grilled cheese and shoving a quarter of it in my mouth I grabbed the control with my other hand [yes, I had mastered doing two things at once] and flipped over to news.

(Yes I deliberately did not mention what news channel I turned to. I figure if I share with you my preference that you will label me in your mind and then as the tale unravels you will reason it was because “he is a Insert word here”. It is what people do – you know. We have this need to categorize everything because supposedly it helps us understand matters better. Yes ‘supposedly’ – I don’t by that rationalization. I believe categorizing or labeling everything actually closes your mind and perception from fully being aware of everything that is going on with ‘X’ person/subject/etc. If you proceeded to attend “higher education” you are taught that this categorization is a good thing and everyone does it. If you did not pursue “higher education” you know it as stereotyping and it is a bad thing to rely on and/or practice. But I digress…”

Finishing the first half of the sandwich and a few Fritos I exchanged my warm soda for a cold one and grabbed my mini-HP. [A great tool by the way. And no, I am not a paid endorser of HP products; but I am willing to be so just contact me.] I checked my email, heard “we are coming out of the recession” and grabbed the other of the sandwich. Twelve new emails and all of them selected and dragged into the “deleted items” folder. A whopping fifteen minutes passed and my mind then resumed its anxiety cycle of what would Tess do? I decided to stop and reason with myself, hoping to bring peace to my mind and spirit.

My note on the candy box read:

For you Tess

Hoping we can go out for coffee sometime soon.

Let me know…

Okay – reason would tell me she would have to tell me face to face since she does not have my phone number, address, or email address. Well, she could write a note and have someone at the grocery store give it to me next time I was in. If she used that method of delivery it is safe to consider the answer is ‘no’. If she talked me to me directly the answer could be either ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Alright this has not helped ease my mind in the least.  I got up, got showered and dressed and left my place. I drove across town to our local IHOP for coffee and to read the newspaper. I figured in a couple hours I would be hungry again and then I would order breakfast. Have you ever been to a IHOP at 3:30 in the morning? I was surprised to see the place about half full of customers, mostly truckers. When you go in at this hour the people look half dead. The server came by and got my order for coffee and I pulled out the newspaper readying myself for a three-hour stay – at least.

As I looked at the front page my mind raced back trying to remember when the last time I purchased a newspaper to read. College? No, it was further back – back when I was a junior in high school. No wonder newspaper publishers are going out of business. It had been eight years since I purchased a paper and if you multiplied that across the population to figure out how much a decrease in readers/subscribers was – wow! I also became aware of the scent – you know what I am talking about. That welcoming, friendly smell of ink on newsprint paper. I brought the paper closer to my nose and of course that is when the server decided to bring my coffee. She gave me “the look” [nut job] and said she would stop back by to check on me. The feel of the paper in my hands was a familiar but almost forgotten feeling. But I digress…

I spent the night trying to find the Sandman.

I spent the night wrestling with my sheets and pillows.

The next day I spent trying to occupy my mind with something other than her.

I spent my time pushing thoughts and scenes from my mind of events that had not happened.

I tried moment by moment to squelch the flight action my brain and hormones was sending because I had nowhere else to go. Fortunately I had eight hours of work to distract my mind. I had interaction with a few people who diverted my attention to other subjects. But those conversations and the work were not enough or successful in calming my fearful heart.

I was afraid to hope because I know life operates on what I have termed “the hopeless principle”. In my life up to this point, things I was desperately hopeful of – had not occurred.

The date with Suzie Robinson for the junior homecoming dance – nope.

The date with Jill Anderson for the prom – nope.

Making the baseball team in either my freshman or sophomore year in high school – nope.

The date with Mindy Story for my senior prom – nope.

Having Jessica, Jean, Cathy, Carla, Annette, Teresa, and Marcia to go on a date with me anytime during my high school years– nope.

My parents buying me a car on my sixteenth, seventeenth, or eighteenth birthday – nope.

Each of these and more were “things” I had hoped and hoped to happen for me. All with the same depressing result – nope.

It was with this track record I squelched every bit of hope that attempted to bubble up inside of me. After work I had to pick up a few items from the store but I dared not enter Tessa’s store so I drove out-of-the-way to buy what I needed on the other side of town.

I realized as I walked out of the store heading to my car that the sky was blue and the sun was shining and the puffy white clouds that dotted the sky were trying to do their best for me and everyone to enjoy a good day. I looked around for the gray skies because surely it was the calm before a storm. I stood there looking in each direction when I noticed a couple people looked at me and then looked up in the sky to see what I was looking at. I ducked my head and speedily got into my car.

It was evening; I was tired because of my struggle last night and then the spirit zapping battle of the day. I turned on the television, stretched out on the couch, watched the news and quickly located the Sandman.

As I walked over to her I noticed two different things that my action had created. One- the lines from the Boss’ “My Lucky Day” kept running through my mind and specifically besides the chorus the line “life’s a game and to win we must play/ Honey, you’re my lucky day”. Second – Tessa noticed me and while she had a smile on her face her eyes displayed something close to fear. The short walk over seemed to last a full minute (Have you ever noticed how far you actually walk in a full minute? Go ahead and try it, I know I travel at my normal pace 99 feet in a minute. Now consider she was maybe 30 feet from where I parked. See! Almost a wormhole effect, but I digress…) and I was able to notice what I had recently noticed about her, she is beautiful in a simple, warm way. I fought the flight drive and decided to fight through it because I knew I needed to win.

“Hello Tessa, do you have a minute?” She looked at me smiled brighter and the look of fear began to fade from eyes. “Hi, sure – are you okay?”

“Yes, everything is good I wanted, needed to give you this,” and I presented the package to her. (Now you have to remember this was not a gift wrapped box because I had intended to mail it to her. The box of candy was wrapped in purple tissue paper so it wasn’t like a “product order”.) She put her hands out to receive the box, she looked at it, looked at me and said, “Um, sorry, but I don’t understand. Do you need this shipped…”?

“No! No!” I exclaimed. “It is for you, I want you to have it.” She tilted her head to the left and looked at me and at the same time I felt the flight drive really kicking in. (Seriously I had to have looked like Michael Jackson doing “the lean” move from “Smooth Criminal” because every ounce of body embraced the “flight drive” but my feet were resolved to “fight” for the win.) “Thank you,” she said, “um, should I open it now?”

“No! No!” I exclaimed, “Please open it at home,” at that moment I could feel my toes breaking free from the pavement.” “Really?” she asked, “You want me to wait to open it?” She looked at me and I think she realized at the moment I was becoming unglued and her special heart and kindness had mercy on me. “Ok, I will open it when I get home” and she tucked it under her one arm.

“Great!” I said (noticing much of what I had said so far was one word exclamations) “um,” looking around and noticing it was just us standing in the parking lot and my car, “um, do you need a ride home?” (What the heck was I saying?) She looked at me; surprised was what I was reading from her – heck I was exuding it myself! “That is sweet but I live just around the corner. It is at least a little exercise I can get in today.”

What happened next has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever said, in fact immediately after said it I could feel one of my feet break completely free of the pavement.

I said, “Exercise? You look great.” (Ahh!) Tessa looked at me and she knew what I meant and that I realized what I said was a surprise to me – she smiled and had pity on me “Thanks but I enjoy the few minutes of walking outside” and with that she began to walk past me and she touched my hand and our eyes connected “Thank you for stopping by tonight” and she walked away.